Nostalgie

Last week, I received a phone call from one of my former classmate. I had many friends from school that I managed to stay close with all through the years, but she has a special place in my heart, because back then we shared so much (and still try to do). She is a divorced, single mother who is coping with work and family back home. I was asking her about her love life. She told me that she was dating a married man. I was wondering if she could not find a decent man who was still single, but she made clear that back home after 30, all men were taken or already divorced. She did add that one of her ex boy friend who was still single, did try to hook up with her again. I was excited about that because I knew the guy. And I remember that they did make a cute couple. However, she was postive that she did not want to go there. She was trying to live her life day by day, and did not want to live in the past.
She and I are very different. I always live in the past. I spend days remeniscing how it used to be when I was a child or teenager. When I am depressed, I look at old pictures and read old diaries. When I do not try to reconnect with childhood friends on online social networks, I try googling long lost acquaintances.
Why am I so nostalgic of what I call the good old days? For the simple reason that according to me they were the good old days. They were the days the only thing you had to do was work hard at school and help your Momma with the household chores. They were days where you watch cartoons, telenovelas, hollywood dramas. They were the days of Beverly Hills 90210 and Nintendo. They were the days of PBS, Timberland Boots and "Titanic". They were summer days when all the teens in my neighborhood would hang on the streets at 5:30 PM and mingle. They were nights of partying, when I would find the perfect dance partner and "kole sere" with him.
The good old days were days where my only worry in the world was " is he going to notice me?". I did not worry about the future, whether or not I will get a good job, or find a nice husband. No! All I could think about was finding the perfect outfit for the neighborhood party.
Do not get me wrong: those days were not perfect. I did experiment slight bullying at school. My grades were not always great. I constantly hated my body for being too curvicious ( my friends used to nickname me "booty"), and it was hard to find my identity (it is still hard). They were days when my mother used to get on my nerve for constantly nagging at me. They were days I did not fit in with any of the popular kids on the block. They were nights I cried myself to sleep listening to N'Bife by Salif Keita because the boy I (thought) loved did not even care about me.
So how on earth those days can be better than these days that I am having. I think the only reason lays in the fact that now I am an adult, and I must face the realities of life such as work, family life and social life in general. As an adult, I also have to face the fact that things will not necesseraly go my way. I would probalby not get that pair of shoes by nagging my father. Things will not be handed to me on a silver platter like back in those days when my parents did everything for me. No. things are different and they are definitely harder because I am still not in control.
Back in those good old days, I could not wait to grow up when I was having a hard time. For me growing up meant that I would be in control of my life; it meant that I would be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Alas, the reality is so different: I am still not in control of my life, and doing whatever I wanted meant that they were going to be repurcussions (probably terrible ones).
Sometimes, I think: will there be a day when I would look nostalgically at these days I am having? Will I be thinking :" Oh, living in the states was so much fun and better than now?". Could that be possible? I have no idea but I find the thought funny. I am a realist: I know that there is a small chance that my life will be better in the future, better in the terms that it will be less difficult. Because, truthfully burdens just increase as we grow old. Hell, I will get more children hopefully in the future, and I will have to cope with the fact that I need to raise them to be good. My parents are aging and I will probably have to take care of them as well. I will have more responsabilities and more heartaches that would keep me awake at night. So I am wondering, when does it get better?